


What Would God Think?

by sethcat



Category: Original Work
Genre: 50s, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Religious Guilt, Smut, conversion therapy, mlm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:22:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26100340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sethcat/pseuds/sethcat
Summary: Robert Fischer is a 20 year old college student who has carried religious guilt for years. This is a story that tells his journey of getting over that guilt and falling in love with two men in 1950s, Utah.
Kudos: 1





	1. Coming Out

I woke up to the sound of my mom clattering around in the kitchen. My visits were mostly cheerful, though Ma told me in our weekly phone calls that dad was always complaining about the ‘state of our nation’. I thought my mother to be a very progressive woman, while my father was a strict and traditional man. I pulled myself from my thoughts, putting on a sweater and padding down the hall.

“Good morning, Robbie!” My mother kissed my cheek and motioned for me to sit at the kitchen table. I smiled and greeted her, eating the oatmeal that she placed before me. “How did you sleep?” She sat next to me while my father sat on the patio with a cigar hanging from his mustache-framed mouth. The glass door was closed, so I felt more comfortable talking to my mother.

“Well as always, Ma. Did father tell you about his upcoming sermon?”

She turned from her own bowl and sighed, “He’s talking about homosexuals this Sunday,” My breath caught in my throat and I paused, giving her a look. Did she know? I hoped she hadn't noticed my near choke. “He said they were ruining us.” I returned to my oatmeal and stopped after a moment to respond.  
“Are they, Mom?” I asked. “Ruining us, I mean.”

“Of course not. They’re just like us.” Us. I would’ve verbally agreed with her if I wasn’t so nervously aware that the sliding glass door was opening and that my father was walking into the dining room and through to the breakfast nook. “Hello, Frank, have a nice smoke?” My mother gave him a kiss on the cheek and brushed off the imaginary dust from his wife beater.

“Yes,” He replied gruffly, “Robert, today I’m finally going to take you to the shooting range.”

I made a noise of objection, “Father, you know that’s unnecessary.”

“You never know, son, those nasty homosexuals could try and hurt you.” I tried not to let it hurt and just silently agreed. My mother took my plate quietly and busied herself with cleaning the dishes. “Margaret, I think tonight I’ll make dinner.”

“Are you sure, dear?” She turned from the sink and put on a smile for her husband.

“We’ll be grilling, it is my specialty.” He said shortly, marching off to his and mom’s room.

I stood and put my empty bowl of oatmeal in the sink, leaning on the counter and brushing my hair from my eyes. “I should be getting ready then. Dad means business.” With a small forced laugh, I went towards my room. I pulled off my sweater and put on a t-shirt that my best friend, Lois, had given me for my birthday.  
When I’d laced up my tennis shoes, my father called me from the door. “Coming!” I called back.

I slammed the door with a huff, sinking into the chair that sat at the entrance of my apartment. I had just gotten back from my frustratingly short visit with my parents that had gone swimmingly (besides being dragged to the shooting range) up until I had to leave. Another argument about my major, as usual. Dad thought it made me look like a pansy.

The shrill ringing of my phone on the wall broke me from my thoughts, and I picked it up with a sigh. “Hello, this is Robert.” I think my attempt at a polite voice failed.  
“Robbie, I was wondering if you’d like to meet Rita and I for a drink tomorrow night, I know how stressed you’ve been.” It was Lois, she always knew how to make me feel better. “We’ve both missed you, and we’ve met a new friend. A sophomore from Italy, can you believe? His name’s Tony.”

I agreed quickly but then hesitated, “Are you sure he won’t think I’m… too much?”

Lois let out her comforting, airy laugh, “Dear, he’s almost as much as you are. Him and his Nonna will love you. Now, get ready, I’m coming over and I’m bringing your favorite.”

“Chinese from Mr. Liu’s? You’re the best, Lou.”

“I know. Bye, bye!” With that, she hung up and I tidied the apartment before she got there. I was fretting telling her what I’d been keeping from her for so long, but I had a feeling she’d be happy for me. Fifteen minutes passed and I heard the door open with a creak.

“Hey, Robbie! How’s your mom?” She gives me a kiss on the cheek and immediately digs into her takeout box.

“Struggling with my dad’s views.” I shrug and look at her as I eat, “What’s your view on homosexuality?” She tenses, moving her legs up onto the couch.

“I think homosexuals are… I don’t know, they’re… fine. Why?” Her voice squeaked, she was nervous. She hid behind her takeout box. Why was she the nervous one?

“Oh, I’ve just been… thinking.” She let out an ‘uh oh’ and smiled nervously. “About dad’s views and all. It’s not so bad to be homosexual, right?”

Lois dropped her chopsticks. “Robert, of course not. Why? Are you saying…?”

I started to tear up and glanced out the window. I didn’t say anything. Was she going to report me?

“Oh, Robbie.” She paused and my heart seemed to stop. “I’m still your friend, no matter what. Oh, darling, I’m just glad you told me. I will always support you.” God, I hoped that was true.

I cuddled into her and resumed eating my dinner.


	2. The Raid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie experiences a police raid.

It had been a good few weeks since I came out to Lois, and we’d been inseparable. She had helped me tell Rita as well, but those were the only two I trusted enough to tell. Antonio was a nice enough guy, gay himself, as I’d come to find out by accident, but I didn’t know him well enough. To be honest, I was trying to tell myself I _shouldn’t_ know him. Even if we were just friends, if we were ever caught we could be thrown in jail, and I’d like to have a career in art education before I rot in hell.

He was attractive, sure, tanned skin inherited from his Italian heritage, dark brown hair that reached just below his ear that he kept swept back and messy. When at the bar, we were pressed together in a booth drinking with the girls. He smelled like salt from the beach and sweat, and by God, it was heavenly.

However, there’d been something eating at me since I’d let myself admit I was into men. What would my mother think? I already know my father would kill me if he found out. What would _God_ think? Tony tapped on my shoulder and offered me a lopsided smile, “You’re in your head again. I thought we were going dancing tonight.” We were now on my couch, a few days later, just having finished studying.

I laughed lightly, “Dancing? In your dreams, mister. Let’s just go watch a film.”

Maybe God is okay with it. After all, he created us didn’t he?

Tony gave me a noncommittal shrug before lighting up with an idea, “Actually, my Nonna said she’d like to meet you.”

Meet his grandmother? I can’t let myself get attached if I’m going to jail the second the wrong person finds out about me.

Against my better judgement, I let him put me in my car and drove us off campus. A plumper woman with gray hair and wrinkled skin walked out from the house, kissing Tony on the cheek and I climbed from the driver’s seat of my car.

“You must be Tony’s grandmother. I’m Robert, but most people call me Robbie.” I go for a handshake, but she pulls me into a hug.

“Call me Nonna, child. Antonio, you did not tell me you were bringing a friend!” The woman says in a thick accent, smacking Tony lightly upside the head. I suppressed a laugh, following them into the house. “Are you thirsty, child?” I said yes.

She gave me a glass of water and I drank it slowly as we sat in the living room. There was a small radio and a phone on the end table between the two couches. We talked about my family, and I told her about my own grandmother’s favorite dishes.

She lit up and pinched my cheeks slightly before looking at the clock. “Are you boys hungry? I have made Antonio’s favorite, my homemade spaghetti.”

I sighed and glanced at the clock, which lay next to a wall of crosses. I swallowed hard and looked at her, “Maybe another time, Nonna, I… already ate.” Which wasn’t a lie, I’d had a light dinner with Rita not long ago. I mostly wanted to get away from the guilt that was eating me up inside.

_What would God think?_

I stood, filled with an overwhelming need to leave. I felt like I was suffocating. “Tony, do you need a ride? I forgot my dad asked me to help him with his car.” He shook his head.

“Oh, I’ll catch the bus later. Have fun with your dad!” I stepped into the Utah sunset, wiping away the _sweat_ that rolled down my cheeks. I was a grown man and I wasn’t going to cry in the middle of the street. I got into my car and drove away towards Salt Lake City. It wasn’t far from where we lived, but I’d never really visited since I was young.

I needed a distraction.

There was a sign for a bar and I saw young men walking in and out, dressed slightly… flamboyant for this part of the United States. I was confused. Surely it wasn’t a gay bar. Dread consumed my body for a moment as I was looking at the door.

A woman stood near the side of the building, smoking a cigarette. She started to walk towards me and I felt my stomach drop as if I was on a rollercoaster.

She smiled, “Never been here, huh?”

I shook my head and stayed tense. “Why don’t we go in?” She brushed the hair away from her dark skin, stubbing her cigarette out before leading me into the packed bar. I was nearly surprised there were seemingly every kind of person present, but I couldn’t bring myself to be. It was a bar for outcasts.

She sat me down at a table with her friends and handed me a beer before letting me introduce myself. I waved awkwardly. “That’s George, Daniella and my personal favorite,” She winked at one of them, “My girlfriend, Lola, and I’m Natasha.”

Lola had something off about her. She was a beautiful woman with fair skin and blonde hair, but she had masculine features that threw me off. “Nice to meet you all. I have to admit, this is my first time in… a gay bar.” I couldn’t keep my eyes from wandering back to Lola. _Why does she look so masculine?_

She must’ve caught me staring but thankfully didn’t mention it.

Daniella looked at me and smiled, “Where did you get your necklace?” My hand clasped the cross around my neck and I nearly stopped breathing. _What would God think if he knew you were hanging out at a gay bar with all of these misfits?_

“My grandfather gave it to me before he passed.”

Her face twisted, “I’m sorry. Are you Christian?” I nodded. “So am I. I know how hard it is to come to terms with being gay and being religious.” She put her hand on mine and I felt better for a moment, just chatting with these strangers. Until I heard a scream and the front door was broken, glass spraying the floor.

_“Faggots! You’ll all burn in hell!”_ A man yelled from outside. _What’s happening?_ George grabbed my hand and pulled me away while I was still trapped in a state of shock, breathing heavily as the five of us regrouped in a different room, locking the door behind us.

George tapped on my shoulders and helped me take deep breaths but I was still trembling. For a moment, I thought that maybe I wanted to kiss him, if it weren’t for the threat of being arrested or killed by whoever was outside.

_No. You heard what they said, Robbie, you’ll burn in hell with rapists and pedophiles._ I snapped myself out of it and looked at the others. Natasha’s expression was soft and understanding, “Are you alright, Robbie?” I nodded warily, jumping and curling more into George when I heard a loud bang outside. Daniella stood and glanced through a small crack in the wall, small enough to not be extremely noticeable from the outside. She silently winced and my heart rate spiked again.

I caught a glimpse, police dotting the scene and arresting the people that were in the bar. There were protestors outside from what I could see, talking to the police but otherwise in no trouble, as expected. Lola stood and led us through another door, up the stairs and into an apartment. “We’ll be safe up here, but I need everyone to group up.” She went into a different room, and a man returned. I was extremely confused, but I didn’t dare ask questions. I didn’t want to seem rude, especially not _now_.

Daniella and I squished into a chair together while Natasha and Lola, who had taken her (his?) wig off, took a couch and George sat alone on the other chair. The radio was turned on and the calming sound of The Beatles’ _Yesterday_ filled up the silence between us. It felt oddly fitting. There was a hefty knock on the door and Lola jumped up, motioning us to be quiet. “Police, open up!”

I was so scared. I just wanted to discover myself, and now I’d go to jail for it? I never got to tell my mother, God bless her, to kiss a man, to do _anything_ with a man. The door swung open and Daniella grasped my hand, pulling me to look at her with a stern look that meant _you’re going to be safe._ How could she promise that?

“Hello, sir, were you aware there was a _homosexual bar_ below your apartment?” An officer asked with an angry tone. Lola’s eyebrows furrowed in faux shock, “ Homosexuals ?” She looked disgusted, “That’s terrible. It’s against the law _and_ God’s will.” The officer nodded in agreement.

Another officer eyed all of us up, our jaws seemingly strapped shut in fear. I shuffled under their prying gaze.

There was a nearly empty pizza box on the coffee table, and I was burning holes in it with my eyes.

The officers questioned us for what seemed like days. I was exhausted, but my eyes were glued open in fear.

“You five be safe, then. Please call us if you find any rumor of any _faggots_ returning downstairs.”

Lola nodded and shut the door, locking it with a chain and a deadbolt. She leaned on it with a sigh and the dam I’d kept my emotions behind fell. I started to cry. George wiped my tears and whispered to me and Daniella held my hand. They walked me through everything and reassured I was going to be alright.

Natasha spoke first after I’d quit crying, “I think you should all spend the night. It’s risky to go out now.”

Although I was wary of spending the night at a near stranger’s, I knew she was right. I was too scared to leave. I agreed and got stuck on the pull out couch with George.

“Robbie?” He started. _Yeah?_ I said, looking at him. “I’m sorry you had to experience that your first time at a gay bar.” His voice dropped to a whisper as the lights fell dim. I turned to him and shrugged smally.

“Do you think God hates me?” I blurted after a few minutes of silence, tears threatening to fall as my hand clasped the cross around my neck.

“I think that anyone who hates you is a moron.”

He pulled me closer. I think I slept better than I had in a long time.


	3. Protest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie has to go to an Anti-Gay Protest.

My father always tells me that God is above all else. Sometimes I feel my Christian mentality creeping in, but then I look at my friends and realize I would rather keep all these wonderful people in my life than obey all of his wishes. When I look up to the sky at night to thank him for all that he’s done for me, I can’t help but try to forget how I betray him when I glance at a man like I should glance at a woman.

The church service the Sunday after my experience at a gay bar felt like a bad dream. Was I really back telling God I loved him when just days prior I was wanting to kiss George, a  _ man _ , in the dimly lit apartment of what I had learned was a transsexual? Who was I to think I could ever be forgiven in his eyes? Surely the embrace I shared with the black haired beauty in that pull out couch bed was nothing more than a comfort between new friends.

The sermon was about homosexuals, as if my father knew my disgusting thoughts at that exact moment. I tuned into his speech, “With my son out of the house, I want him to live in the safest world possible.” It was nearing the end of the service, only a little longer to go. “That’s why, this weekend we are going to a rally to  _ end homosexuality! _ ” The congregation roared and I went deaf for a moment from the blood rushing to my ears. This wouldn’t be good.

_ Dear God,  _ I took a deep, heavy breath as a woman from church gave me a handshake, going to look for my father,  _ please keep me safe. What do you think I should do? _

The rally was in Salt Lake City, right near the bar I’d ventured to and nearly gotten arrested at. The bar was closed and most likely would  _ stay _ closed. My father told me to not look at the people saying it was  _ okay _ to be homosexual, because they’d put then devil in me. If only he knew I already  _ had _ the devil in me.

George was there, standing with Natasha and Daniella near the end of the street. We made eye contact and I could’ve died right there. He gave me a sad look that I returned, but my father turned me away and scolded me for looking at the  _ queers _ .

I took in a breath and joined my church with a heavy heart. “God hates gays!” I yelled.

We repeated it until I couldn’t breathe and I stopped chanting to look to the sky for a moment as I caught my breath.  _ I want to go to them,  _ I thought. Of course, I wasn’t brave enough.


	4. Hardware Store

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie experiences a bit of guilt.

In my small, shitty apartment on campus, I sat with George on the opposite end of the couch, eating take out that we’d gotten from a small spot called  _ Loralei’s _ .

The small TV I had set up on an equally small table was playing in the background and we were talking about anything and everything. “I heard you got a new job.” I said, smiling over at him through my lashes as I picked at my fries.

“It’s near here, a small hardware store. Danielle’s dad owns it, so I know he won’t throw me out or call the police on me if he finds out I’m gay.”

“She’s very lucky to have such a supportive father.” I felt bad as soon as I said it, but I couldn’t take it back now, could I?

George placed our plates on the coffee table. “Robbie,” He scooted closer and I was backed to the end of the couch. He grasped my hands and my face turned red. “One day, homosexuals will be accepted. We’ll be able to get married, be out, be happy. We’re fighting for the future generations. For our children.”

I nodded, a little tearful, and let him embrace me. It felt intimate, like it was more than a hug between friends. I wanted more from him so I pulled him closer, tighter. I didn’t ever want to let go.

“George, is it wrong I want to kiss you?” My breath caught in my throat as he pulled away to look me in the eyes.

“It isn’t wrong, Robbie. I want to kiss you, too.”

I wish I was braver, wish I’d kissed him right then. I didn’t, though, and there was a sharp knock on the door before I could work up the courage. We separated, and I went to answer the door with a small sinking feeling of disappointment.

“Tony! Hey, what’s up?” I kept my tone even, leaning against the door frame.

“Just stopped by to return this sweater to you, you left it at Rita and I’s place, thought you might want it back.”

“Yes, thank you.” I glanced toward George nervously, his smile easing me a little.

“Oh, I’m sorry, was I interrupting something?” Tony asked, cocking his head. I shook my head sheepishly and motioned George over.

“This is George, one of my friends that I met in Salt Lake City. George, this is Tony.”

George smiled and shook the Italian boy’s hand. “I believe we’ve met, you know Danielle, right? I see you in the hardware store all the time.”

Tony nods, “My Nonna always has me run errands for her, and Danielle’s on the way to the grocery.”

I glanced between the two, feeling George’s pinky twist with mine and I let out a happy sigh, subconsciously leaning into the door frame more. My radio was on in the apartment’s kitchen, playing a song I didn’t quite recognize.

We stood for thirty minutes more, chatting with Tony while he was holding my sweater and George’s hand was intertwined with me. Selfishly, I wanted them both at that moment. Maybe it was the fact that they were both so handsome, discussing something I didn’t quite understand about wrenches. Or maybe it was that I’d never been with a man before.

I wondered if Tony looked as good in my sweater as I imagined, or if George had a coat that would hang off of my body. I wondered if they would look pretty together, kissing and teasing each other.

“I best get going, then.” Tony said and I jumped with a  _ no! _

_ Why’d I say that?  _ Now they were staring at me.

“I just…” I blushed, feeling uncharacteristically shy in front of my friends. “Really want to continue this conversation. About hardware. Very interesting stuff.”

Tony glanced between me and George and accepted my offer to come sit with us. Tony sat on the armchair, draped over the arm as he leaned into a joke George said. I laughed at a story that Tony told about his grandmother when she was younger.

I’m sure if I asked anyone else, my eyes were twinkling in that moment. I was so happy that I almost forgot who I was and where I was. This was where I was meant to be, with a man I liked, and another who was one of my best friends. We talked until nearly one in the morning and Tony mentioned the time with a sad eye.

We said our goodbyes and I shut the door.

_ Oh, God, please forgive me for these acts. _


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie gets a little loving.

Ever since our near-kiss, George and I hadn’t been alone. Anytime we sat on my couch, someone knocked on my door. This time, it’s Tony again. He shut the door behind him and sat next to me on the couch. “Hello, boys. I bring leftover spaghetti.”

I exclaimed in joy and went to heat it up in my crappy little microwave. As I leaned against the counter, I heard the two talking. I could barely hear over the whir of the microwave, but I leaned closer to the living room.

“... You like Robert too?”

There was a pause before Tony replied, “I have ever since he went to my Nonna’s and she immediately accepted him into the family. I don’t think he’s gay though.”

“This is awkward.” George said, sighing heavily.

“It doesn’t have to be… Well, he can choose then, or…” I couldn’t hear the rest. I strained harder to hear.

The microwave went off and I jumped, hitting my head on the cabinet above me. “Shit!” I cried, holding my head as I opened the microwave. George and Tony rushed in, and doubled over laughing when they saw me bent over the microwave clutching my head.

“Are you alright, love?”

_ Love. _ I smiled at George and nodded, blushing, “Yeah, I just hit my head.”

Tony butt in, “George, set the table? Rob and I will prepare the pasta.”

George left Tony and I alone together. Our hands brushed briefly as we moved. My blush deepened.  _ I’m such a disappointment to God. Here, standing here in my apartment, longing for not one, but  _ two  _ men. _

We finished getting the meal ready and then took it to my small dining room table. I sat at one end while George and Tony sat on either side of me. I couldn’t explain what I was feeling. It felt like someone had turned the heat up too high, but the air conditioner was blowing behind me in the window.

I ate quietly, listening to the other two talk, nodding and shaking my head a few times before they both stopped and looked at me. “Are you okay?” Tony asked, “You’re really quiet.”

“Sorry, I’m just thinking a lot.”

“What about?” George put his fork down on his plate and the room felt sweltering hot, like I was on fire.

“You.” My mouth supplied. For a moment, there was silence. Then, I continued, “Thinking about you two.”

“Us?” Tony also put his fork down and leaned on his elbow.

I nodded, “About… being with you both.” The room was boiling and at that point, I was itching to kiss both of them. I wanted to feel their cool touch on my face when they drew me in closer. I wanted to breathe them in and hold them tight, God be damned.

At that moment, all I could think was  _ them _ .

_ Tony, George, Tony, George. _

Every night I prayed to God that he would help me. Fix me, make me better, show me a sign that he was with me, that he supported me.

At that moment, I couldn’t even care less about what anyone else thought. Not even God.

Not when George was reaching for me and moving closer to kiss me softly on the lips, what I’ve wanted to do since the club was attacked and we cuddled in the damp apartment above it.

I let out a sob. His lips felt like heaven, his hands were rough from working in a hardware store and his scent was musky, like the motor oil my dad put in his car.

George pulled away and Tony took his place. His kiss was different, he smelled like pasta and spice and the beach and his hands were soft. His kiss felt like home.

Once I had kissed them both and had deep pink lips, they pulled away to kiss each other. The room was unbearingly hot but all I could do was watch as they kissed each other with more fervour than they had kissed me.

I reached for them with a cry, and they both took me into an embrace with open arms.

“It’s okay, Robbie…” Tony whispered.

George rubbed my back and let me bury my face into his chest.

“Feel how you want to feel, Robbie, God will love you anyway.” That only made me cry harder.


	6. Steamy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie and the boys get frisky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This DOES contain sexual content. However, this chapter isn't entirely crucial to the story so you can skip it if you'd like.

The following morning I woke up alone. The bed was cold on either side of me and the apartment was near silent. I felt tears well up in my eyes.  _ Had they left me?  _ I started to cry, thinking that I had made myself vulnerable to them and they had left.

I jumped as I heard a small slam in the living room. I wiped my eyes and walked towards the noise. There I saw George and Tony kissing heavily. Tony was pinned against the wall with George encasing him. I felt my breath stutter as I watched them. My tears were long gone.

Now, all I could think about was them with each other. I tried to be as quiet as I could. I didn’t want to interrupt, it was thrilling to watch them. I thought about how George’s muscles tensed as he kept Tony on the wall. Tony was rubbing himself against George’s leg with small huffs of breath.

I let out a quiet moan, longing for them to touch me too. George lifted his head, smiling softly as he saw me, shirtless with a red chest and face. “Come here, then.” He said, pulling me into a kiss as I joined Tony against the wall. As soon as I was there, Tony was touching me, hands on my waist and my hips and my stomach. I couldn’t get enough of them.

George’s rough hands were wrapped around my dick before I could react. I let out a high pitched moan, trying to get more friction. I switched to kissing Tony while George made hickies on my neck. I felt overwhelmed in the best way.

My knees buckled and George grabbed me by the waist, holding me in place while he stroked my cock. Tony was now kissing George and I could barely keep myself up as I started to feel the familiar feeling rising in the pit of my stomach.

“G-George, ‘m gonna…”

He stroked a little harder, a little faster, “Go on, then. You can let go, baby.” He and Tony were watching me. I felt their eyes were burning into my soul as I closed my eyes and came as hard as I ever had before. I was panting, leaning against the wall and relying on George for support.

I wanted to help them, too, but I could barely keep my eyes open. George laid me on the couch and went back to Tony. I was propped up a bit so I could see them kiss, jerking each other off slowly. I was falling asleep again, drifting away when I heard them finish.


	7. Heart to Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie tells George and Tony more about his religious guilt and his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This gets a bit sad and touches a tiny bit on conversion therapy.

When I woke up  _ again _ , I was back in bed with Tony. My head was laying on his chest while he played with my hair. “Hi, handsome. Good nap?” I nodded lazily, looking up at him with a small smile. “George is making breakfast right now, then he’ll be in.”

As I leaned up to kiss him, I caught a glance at the cross on the wall across the room. I let Tony kiss me softly before laying back down. Tears welled up in my eyes again. “Do you think God is mad at us?” I whispered, “For what we did this morning? For kissing last night? Is he mad at me for loving-” I cut myself off quickly.

Tony lifted my chin to make me look at him. “If God is mad at us, if he thinks this is wrong… Then I don’t want to ever be right. How long have you been struggling with this, Robbie?”

“Since I was 16, I’ve known I was gay.” I sighed, feeling the bed dip as George joined us. He curled up behind me and laced his hand with one of Tony’s. “I met this boy… His name was Jackson. We went to church camp together and he had the bunk above mine. We were inseparable that summer. Whenever we had freetime, we’d sneak off to a treehouse in the woods surrounding the camp.

“Nearing the end of camp, we’d snuck to the treehouse again. This time, he told me,” I choked up a little, clearing my throat. “He told me he really liked me. I was shocked, I had always heard homosexuals were pedophiles and criminals. But here was this sweet, sweet 17 year old who loved volunteering at the animal shelter in his city, who loved helping others.

“He said that he would be going away soon, but that he'd like to keep in touch. I have his letters still, and his telephone number. At that moment, I knew that I liked him back. I kissed him and he kissed back,” George and Tony were stroking down my arm and playing with my hair. “Then when we left camp, we’d write as often as we could. No one has ever read those letters except for me. They are sacred, because they tell our love story.

“One day… I learned that he was going to go through conversion therapy. Electroshock treatment. If that didn’t work, he’d- he’d have to go on estrogen,” I was crying heavily now. “I kept thinking to myself, is this God’s way of punishing us? I learned that he was eventually let go after electroshock therapy, thank God. At that point, I vowed to keep myself a secret from anyone else. I couldn’t risk having to go that route. I also cut contact with him as I knew it wasn’t safe for either of us anymore.” I stopped, breaking down into tears. I had never told anyone these things.

George and Tony shushed me, holding me tight as I cried. I was vaguely aware that George had made breakfast and it was getting cold, but I couldn’t bring myself to care at that moment. All I wanted was comfort and to cry. It felt so good to finally tell someone about Jackson and I. I carried our story with me wherever I went. He was always in my heart.

I missed him.


End file.
